Tuesday 26 April 2016

A brief encounter with the real world

This was when I was travelling with a couple of friends from another friend's place to mine. We were looking for auto-rickshaws and finally got one. Since we were discussing random stuff, we continued our conversation with him listening, unknown to us.

"Yeah, Bill Gates allegedly had been having a flying car designed for himself since years now."

"Dude that'd be insanely cool."

"Yeah....but who'd give him a license? Think about it. Wouldn't he need to be a pilot instead of a driver's license?"

And in the middle of this intellectual discussion our dear auto driver butts in,

Auto Driver : "Humne suna hain Reliance bana raha hain flying car"

(I've heard Reliance Industries is building a flying car)

Us : "Accha? Humne to aisa kuch nahi suna?"

(Is that so? We've never heard anything about this)

AD : "Haan tumhe pata nahi woh pacchees crore mein nikalne wale hain gaadi. Par fir beta problem ho jayegi, fir traffic kaun sambhalega. Jab bhi saamne koi gaadi aayegi apna toh bas uda ke le jaana hoga."

(Yes, you know nothing; they're going to launch it at about INR 25, 00, 00, 000 but we will have a lot of problems then. Whenever people see even a little bit of traffic, they'll simply zoom up and fly away then who will handle the traffic)

*us smirking at each other*

AD : "Accha yeh batao tumhari koi gurlfraand hain kya?"

(So tell me, do any of you have a girlfriend)

Us : *stare at each other awkwardly*
"Nahi bhaiyya, hamari koi gurlfraand nahi hain"

(No, we don't have any girlfriend)

AD : "Accha, acche khandaan ke lagte ho."

(You seem to come from a good family)

Us : *slightly concerned because of that moral responsibility of explaining things to the less literate so as to remove the stigma associated with dating that's perpetuated throughout society*
"Arrey uncle aisa thodi hain. Jo girlfriend rakhte hain woh bhi toh acche khandaan se hote hain."

(Uncle, it's not like that. Those that have a girlfriend can also hail from good families)

AD : "Arrey humne bohot dekha hain. Yeh girlfriend toh chhodo humne ameer logo ko dekha hain. Yeh iski biwi ko ghumata hain woh iski biwi ko ghumata hain. Roz nayi aurat leke aate hain maano test drive pe aurat le jaa rahe ho."

(I have seen a lot of things. Forget girlfriends, I have seen these rich people taking others' wives out while others take their own wives out. They get a new 'woman' everyday as if they're taking cars out for test drives)

Us : *awkward stares*
"Ok"

AD : "Hum ek baar x jagah se ek ladke aur uski dadi ko leke gaye the. Utarte utarte ladka aurat ko chumma deke bolta hain jaanu kab milogi. Aur woh nani ki umar ki thi uski maano."

(I had a boy and a lady passenger once. While getting down, the boy kisses her and says "Darling, when will we meet again?" She was his maternal grandmother's age!)

Us : "Arrey but ladka aur ladki jab ek umar ke hote hain tab dost toh ho sakte hain na zaroori thodi hain girlfriend-boyfriend hone chahiye"

(But a boy and a girl, especially of the same age can be friends right. It isn't necessary they are dating)

AD : *takes personal offence at the statement and turns around, much to our fright*
"Nahi. Aisa ho hi nahi sakta. Tumhari koi aisi dost hain kya?"

(No, it's impossible. Tell me, do you have a female friend?)

Us : *the living daylights scared out of us by his sudden turning around from the steering*
"Bhaiyya aap aage dekho please. Haan meri dost hain. Teen saal se. Best friend hain meri. Maine kabhi usko girlfriend jaise nahi dekha. Woh toh behen jaisi hain."

(Please watch where you're driving. Yes, I have a friend. She's been my best friend since three years and I've never looked at her that way)

AD : "Yeh toh isliye kyunki tum use behen bana ke rakhe ho. Tumhari girlfriend hoti hain toh dekho tum use khilaoge pilaoge ghumaoge fir chumma chaati karoge aur fir thokoge.Hum gaav mein apni
ladkiyo ko isliye hi jaldi byaah karwa dete hain.Fir thoko jisko thokna ho."

(That's only because you look at her as a sister. If you didn't you would have considered her as a girlfriend. You would have gone out on dates, kissed her, and finally had intercourse. This is why we marry our girls off early in the villages. Then you have sex with whoever you want)

Us : *stunned silence at the crass way he put it*
"But uncle shaadi ke liye koi pasand toh hona chahiye na aise kaise shaadi kar lenge."

(But uncle, don't you need to like someone in order to marry them?)

AD : "Pasand ka kya sawaal hain. Yeh sab dhandha tum shaadi ke baad hi karo isiliye toh shaadi karwa dete hain."

(Where's the question of liking. It's only the intercourse that you can do after marriage which is why we marry them off)

Us : *so speechless that we don't even know how to react*
"Uncle aaj kal aisa zamaana nahi raha. Aaj kal ki ladkiyo ki apni zindagi rehti hain"

(It is not like that today; girls lead their own lives)

AD : "Aisa hi hain. Tumhe pata nahi humko sab malum hain. Jab aurat thukwa ke aati hain humko unki shakal ki chamak se dikh jaata hain. Aur jab pehli baar karti hain tab neeche newspaper rakho aur dekho .... "

(This is exactly how it is. We know everything in the villages about how a woman glows after doing it and *reference to hymen rupturing during the first time*)

Us : *disgusted, horrified and scared as to what we'd gotten ourselves into at this point and worse yet at the notion that this was actually prevalent in society even today*

AD : "Tumhe Vishwamitra pata hain? Bade sadhu the. Unko bhi Meneka karke macchwaari ne apne tan ki mehak se phusla ke hawas ki aag se bhadka diya aur fir woh jhupdi mein usko thok liye. Jab bhagwan bhi nahi seh sakte toh tum kaun hote ho bolne wale."

(Did you know who Vishwamitra was? He was a great saint. A fisherwoman called Meneka seduced him and they did it in a hut. Now if even God cannot resist this then who are we to talk about it)

Us : *deciding this was beyond saving, having almost reached our destination*
"Accha. Okay."

AD : "Isliye hum kehte hain ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahi reh sakte. Woh hawas ki aag jab bhadak jaati hain seene mein tab sab bhai behen kaun kya hain bhool jaate hain. Iske baare mein toh humein apne baap tak pe bharosa nahi."

(That's why I say that a boy and a girl can never be just friends. When that feeling of lust takes over there is no looking at who is the brother and sister or friend. I would not even trust my own father if he says so)

Us : *alighting at the destination, sarcastically* "Aap RSS se ho kya?"

AD : "Haan tumko kaise pata?"

To clarify, this is not with any political agenda in mind.

I don't know what is going on in our country. I'm pretty sure most of you don't either. This was an enlightening experience as to how the rest of India thinks. We call ourselves a modern, progressive society yet a vast proportion of the populace have regressive beliefs that are (more often than not) based on falsehoods and misconceptions. As long as we don't propagate our 'modern thoughts' we claim we have to all these less literate proponents and clarify their misgivings, I doubt we will be able to get very far as a whole. I understand times are changing but this was just a very rude shock back to reality for me. I really believe India is moving ahead and we will most definitely get past a lot of orthodox mindsets that have already been abandoned. This was just an experience I thought I should share so we know what sort of people we could be dealing with in life.

Saturday 23 April 2016

Life at 60Kbps

This is one of my favorite songs by Linkin Park, and I'm not over-fastidious about my music. That is to say, a dearth of dedicated WiFi bandwidth in my childhood trained me to commit myself to the delectable tastes of the more fortunate half of the world that contributed generously to provide seeds on torrents. It has resulted into my metamorphosis into an evolved being that respects the WiFi and refuses to exploit its powers, now that I have unrestricted access to a magnanimous 50MBPS internet plan.

It was close to six years ago that we decided to upgrade to a WiFi connection from the cables and dial-up connections that seemed to give the place a Stone Age-esque look. In a few days it was up and running and we marveled at the beauty of cutting-edge technology. Little did we know what was to come.

A few months in, I realized the speed was not quite what it used to be. Now, I was aware the billing cycle commenced on the fifth of each month and it was the sixth that day. So MTNL has a 24/7 helpline where, fortunately enough, executives actually pick up on the other end. Bewildered by the drop in speed, I dialed the fateful number that was to become an integral part of my daily routine, and asked them to check the connection. They said they would check it out and let me know. And that was the origination of my tryst with MTNL, WiFi speed, and destiny.

Over the years - and I repeat, years - I have called that solitary helpline up more times than I have called my own mother, father and brother combined. If I'd have been part of that coterie of seventh-graders that were privy to the world of dating and had a cell-phone *cue oohs and aahs from other intrigued seventh-graders* then I'm pretty sure my then-girlfriend would have broken up with me out of sheer suspicion. The frequency of my calls was such that if it hadn't been a toll-free number, I wager I'd have ended up selling the clothes off my back to pay for them. Of course the calls had no effect on the speed of the WiFi. The month passed with false assurances of the "system having a problem" and the "network connection having issues". And my WiFi remained devoid of the speed force (watch "The Flash", if you want to understand the reference). We tried everything, from opening tickets, raising complaints, to protesting in their offices. We called their technicians home more than we called our own relatives during the year, but to no avail.

Days passed by, turning into weeks, months and finally years, before we finally decided to follow their instructions and replace the entire WiFi line that came into our house. We bought a new router, much to the annoyance of my mother and glee of my father. She felt it was a waste of money. He agreed, but being a software engineer, there's always that lure of upgrading your lives into a new technological standard coupled with the desperate need for faster WiFi that led us to install CAT5 cables and overhaul the entire internet setup in the house. To our utter disappointment, we found no difference in the speed whatsoever. Frustration levels rose with the advent of more members of the family into the world of WiFi with the introduction of more smartphones into the family. 

The final confrontation with MTNL occurred when we decided to switch to another service provider and called up MTNL for understanding the necessary procedure. They asked us what the issue was and upon summarizing the various Volumes in the MTNL saga, she asked me to hold for a minute. 

I told her with wry laugh, "I've been waiting six years, ma'am. What's another minute to me."

"Thank you for staying on line, please check the internet speed once and let me know"

A futile exercise that I've been through more times than the number of breaths I've drawn (probably not a hyperbole), but what the heck. Let's give it another shot. My eyes popped out of their sockets when I saw the speed graph. It was an emotional moment. After all these years of waiting, it was finally right in front of me. I wouldn't put the possibility of a few tears behind me, but I managed to contain myself and uttered in a shaky voice, "Ma'am ..... how?"

"Sir, actually we had listed you correctly under the x MBPS plan, but somehow the system had been providing you the (x+6) MBPS plan so it never renewed monthly and your speed was always slow. Sorry, Sir."

Six Years. I can't even.





Friday 22 April 2016

An Open Letter to Mi India

Dear Mi India this is a concatenation of sorts, for all the comments on your various pages, be it on posts or as replies to other
comments. I'm just a student that had issues with his old phone and urgently needed to buy a new phone. After a bit of research I figured Redmi Note 3 (32GB) would be a great phone for my budget. What I didn't realize is what was to follow. I can say I'm a veteran of Flash sales now that I've been through about 5 of them. Heck, I didn't feel this bad when I failed the IIT JEE entrance exam.
The Flash Sale is literally that. It doesn't even last as long as it takes to flash. Although that wasn't the original intention behind the name I'm sure you get the irony.
I've waited through 5 Flash sales as of today, including the ones on mi.com and Amazon. I understand I'm nobody special and tons of other people are in the same precarious gadget-busting state I'm in. But it is really frustrating (read punch-through-screen-of-laptop frustrating) to see the same "wait in line -> out of stock" message all the time.
You can read all the comments people have posted and while the grammar may be questionable, the very motivation behind them posting it needs to be accounted for. That should be the spur you need to do whatever it is to get more 32GB models out here in the Indian Market.
Now I understand there are a lot of decisions to be made and a lot of stuff that goes on behind the scenes and maybe you're already focusing on increasing the quantity of your stock, but sir, this is the second-largest (if not the largest) market for your phones and if you've got the nerve to launch a 3GB/32GB smartphone in the sub-15k segment then at least have the numbers to back it up.
All I see happening as of now is that there are about 750 reviews on Amazon about the Redmi Note 3 and about 625 of them are basically rants from angry/irritated/annoyed/frustrated Indian customers. Barely 70 reviews (most of them, stellar, kudos to you guys and your product) actually even relate to post-purchase experiences.
Now I'm a student, Sir, and as students we want the best of products available in the market for ourselves. Obviously, I'm going to bide my time till I can get my hands on the phone in spite of the routine angry calls and messages I get from the 6 friends I have that are all trying to buy the phone for my sake (because with the phone I have currently, I can barely manage calling, let alone Whatsapp and so on) after every Flash Sale. If this is the situation of just one customer that too with 6 people trying to help buy the phone, imagine the levels of patience your other customers may be having and how frustrated they may get.
Now I'm patient enough to type out this long message without even expecting it to be published anywhere just as long as someone from Mi India/Redmi India gets this message : "Bhai, please Jaldi Karo. Vaat lag rahi hain hamari yahaan pe wait karte karte."
In conclusion all I would like to say is imagine the levels of dedication we have to Mi India and how much we love your product for me to type out a message longer than the essay I wrote in my board exams, at this point when there's ten assignments pending for submission. Engineering is a bitch, but it's worse when you don't have a phone in your hand to help you get through it.
P.S: If you're still going ahead with a Sale akin to all these Flash Sales you've had where the phone gets sold out in about 0.1 microseconds, please reserve some phones and have a Flash Sale every hour for ten pieces. That way, at least the disappointment will be mitigated by fooling us customers into believing we have ten tries to buy it rather than the usual single valiant effort it takes.
P. P. S: I deserve at least an F-code (no jokes on this, I know how it sounds) for typing this out if not the patience of surviving 5 Flash Sales.
P. P. P. S: This should have begun my message, but anyway here it is. How did you even expect people to buy the 16GB variant when you offered a 32GB one for INR 2000 more. Didn't you know we're greedy rascals (in this regard)?
Thanks!
Yours (relatively) frustrated-ly,
A Sincere Fan.

Thursday 21 April 2016

A life, well, lived

The fundamental difference lies in the comma.
One might live a life well. But is it really worth it if, it follows the same droll pattern of - here I'd like to quote a line from one of my favourite films, Yeh Jawaani hain Deewani - 
"Baaees tak padhai, pacchees pe naukri, chhabbees pe chhokri, tees pe bacche, saath pe retirement aur phir maut ka intezaar."
(Study till you're twenty-two, get a job at twenty-five, girl at twenty-six, kids at thirty, retire at sixty and await the end of your life)

There's very few movies that I actually bear to sit through, even fewer I'd watch again. This movie is one of the few that sort of just struck a chord with me. The wonderfully picturesque locations and aesthetically soothing lyrics in the music that was rather detached from the commonplace policy of having a stoned barbarian break guitars and scream for his "generation" to rise and demand their rights, helped make watching it a memorable experience. But I digress.

Most of us lead rather insignificant lives in the greater scheme of things. We hardly ever "live up to our potential", which is largely a result of our own misconceptions as to what we are capable of achieving. We have had misgivings plague the essence of our very existence right from the first remark in our books from school to appraisals from the boss. I speak for not only myself, I'd like to believe, when I say I've always wondered what it'd be like if I'd done things differently, avoided a few critical mistakes and ended up in a better place than I am right now. Well, too bad. Life is too short for pondering the past. We have very little time as it is, why waste it over could-have's and should-have's. I realize I'm perpetrating a cliche but the entire reason behind this is simple. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I realize the importance of time. I've realized it is essentially the key to success at any level. Time.

Time Management is valued greatly as it happens to be, already. But the successful know that in spite of all that, it isn't given the respect it deserves. The reason behind it is very simple. It is one of those obscure talents that cannot be showcased on stage, will not be apparent to anyone you meet and yet will continue to affect your life in ways far beyond your comprehension. Man has conquered the Space, or is most certainly along the path to do so (read Elon Musk, SpaceX reusable rockets, Mars Colonization, NASA's second manned mission to the moon) but Time is the one concept elusive to man. Time is all a man needs to become God on this Earth. 

Our lives center around the fact that we need to do a lot but are given very little time. It is the direct or indirect reason behind every decision ever taken, every justification ever given, and every challenge ever completed. Time is the master of all and the master of none. All a man has ever done in order to be successful is to understand and thereby respect Time.And that, my dear friend, is all you need to do to turn a life, well, lived into a life well lived.